Post-toilet hand-washing

In my quest to encourage good, toilet-related hygiene, I have previously posted about splashback, the floor, the age-old up versus down seat debate, and seat contact prevention.

Today I will be discussing hand-washing. People wash their hands with varying degrees of thoroughness; from not washing all, to the old rinse ‘n’ dry, to a proper soap job. Always do the latter. Unwashed hands in a toilet spread dysentry, cholera, and food poisoning, among others. Remember: it doesn’t matter what you did in the toilet area, even if you just popped in to adjust your tie, if you touch anything WASH YOUR HANDS.

Hygiene does not finish with washing the hands though. You must also adhere to the post-wash protocol. Once you have washed your hands thoroughly, you may not touch anything in that room, except paper hand towels or toilet paper that was not exposed before you entered the room. Everything else in that room is Contaminated.

The two things you are most likely going to need to touch after you have washed your hands are also the most likely to be crawling with Contaminants. The first is the tap. This is the first thing that hand-washer’s touch after finishing their business, and is thus going to have all manner of Contaminants on it. The second is the door handle. For those foul disgusting pigs who do not wash, this is the first thing touched, and will also have all manner of Contaminants.

Once your hands are clean, use a barrier preventative to protect them from contacting the filth. Paper towels will do if nothing else is present. Wash; dry; turn off tap with paper towel; exit room, using paper towel to open door.

Bonus tip: If no barrier protection is available, grasp the door handle or tap in an unusual place, one that is unlikely to have been grasped by the Contaminated hands of the Unclean. These people are Unclean because they are lazy, so their handle-grabbing will always follow the path of least resistance.

Toilet seat – Contact

In my quest to encourage good, toilet-related hygiene, I have previously posted about splashback, the floor, and the age-old up versus down seat debate.

If you’ll recall from the previous entry on toilet seats, I talked about the dangers of a toilet seat being down. Well, if you are using a public toilet you must assume that the seat was down at some point. You can never be sure.

So how does one mitigate this risk? Well, luckily there are two options:

  • For the stronger, more enduring types, the squat and drop method works (just remember that splashback will be amplified by this, so make sure you take necessary precautions.
  • The second option is to construct a 2-ply protective layer. Multi-ply toilet paper means you could have up to 4 ply protecting you. Paper doesn’t protect you from liquid, so make sure you pre-wipe first! An octagon arrangement usually gives you the best balance between coverage and using as little paper as possible.

Note: between the splashback prevention and the protective layer, you may find yourself exceeding the capacity of the toilet’s draining system. It is recommended that you employ a multi-stage flushing approach to prevent blockage.

Toilet seat – up versus down

In my quest to encourage good, toilet-related hygiene, I have previously posted about splashback and the floor.

In this entry I am going to talk about the seat. Specifically: up versus down.

I honestly don’t get the issue with this debate. Maybe it’s because I live with sensible people who have the same sense of hygiene as I do. Maybe it is because I live in Australia where our toilets are designed differently to the USA and other countries. However, in my observation, when one flushes a toilet, water splashes out. Unless you have some kind of fancy Japanese robotic magnet protection system to prevent escaping droplets, water is going to spray everywhere. Have you ever stuck your face near a toilet while it was flushing? I can only hope the answer to that is no!

If you leave the seat down, that water will wind up on the seat. Do you want to sit in faeces, even if it is diluted? Like, ew! Not even the homeopaths will be getting in on that action.

Put the seat up before you flush! If you remember to clean the walls once in a while there is no issue.

Public toilets – the floor

My previous entry about public toilets only touched on a single aspect of the horror of public toilets. There are a few other issues that need to be addressed, which I will cover in four more parts.

Today’s topic is The Floor.

The floor of a toilet is dirty. Filthy, disgusting, fly-vomiting dirty. NOTHING should touch the floor of a public toilet. The soles of your shoes are a barely tolerable example, as long as you do not put your shoes on anything that will touch anyone’s anything except the soles of their shoes. You would think this would be obvious. Did we not all roll around with mirth at the absurdity of Barney Gumble groping at the toilet floor for a toothpick?

Yet, like a perverted Japanese man groping women on a train, I still see people allowing clothes and such to touch the floor

Do not drop your pants right down to your ankles so that your belt and hems and even, god forbid, the seat of your pants is touching the floor. Bunch at the knees people! Repeat after me: Please, please, bunch at the knees!


One of the great privileges of being a man, second only to escaping childbirth, is that we are able to urinate standing up. As someone who leans towards the OCD side of the hygiene scale, I pity anyone who has to sit on a public toilet any more than absolutely necessary!

I work in an office, and every so often I have to make an appointment with Dr John. On those occasions when I’m not the only visitor, I always cringe in fear of a dreaded sound. It’s not the squeaking of the door or the click of the latch. It’s not the  occasional pre-flush or the clatter of the seat dropping. It’s not the jingle of the belt, the bzzzzp of the zip, or the rustle of the pants coming down. It’s not even the auditory palette that accompanies polite, middle-aged posterior perflations…

No, I can handle all of those sounds with aplomb.

The one sound that haunts my darkest dreams defies onomatopoeic description. It is that strange hybrid combination of “plop” and “splash” that heralds the occurrence of a phenomenon colloquially known as “splashback”. Let me explain: when you drop a solid object into a liquid of low viscousity from a height, some of that liquid is going to splash, as demonstrated in this video of someone jumping into a swimming pool. It doesn’t take a physics degree to figure that out.

How anyone can stand to have urinary and fecal soup splashed all over their hindparts is beyond my comprehension. If you are one of those people, then this is a personal plea to you: please don’t subject others to the sound of splashback. Use toilet paper, eat more fibre, use a cork! I don’t care, just don’t make that sound!