There is a gay couple living in an apartment across the way from me, and I have noticed that there are two things that they particularly seem to like:
- Having their blinds open, and
- Watching (very) hardcore gay pornography on their big-screen TV.
I have nothing against them watching gay pornography to supplement their activities; in fact I’m happy for them for being comfortable and open enough with each other to explore and find things that they enjoy together, such as hot construction workers with minimal concern for site safety regulations. And how could I not support gay pornography? After all, it is one of the few forms of porn that does not promote objectification or violence towards women.
However, being supportive of the idea of porn it is not the same as having it beamed into my apartment a couple of times a week. As far as I’m concerned, if I can see a naked brown-eye with my naked blue eyes then it’s only fair that they revisit their open-blind policy before I revisit my don’t-go-blind policy.
But how to express my desire for them to not so visibly express theirs? They are too far way to yell, and screaming about pornography is not likely to endear me to my neighbours. Calling the police is out of the question, because it seems cruel to make them think that a hot-cop-knocking-on-the-door fantasy has come true only for cold reality to come crashing in moments later.
There is only one solution to this riddle, and that is the trusty super-hero: my laser pointer. By day, it is a mild-mannered red dot, who meekly emphasises key points on powerpoint slides about business processes, IT development, and a bunch of other boring stuff. But at night the dark side of his personality comes out, and he helps me hunt down and admonish those who would force upon me their desire for hot army gang-bangs.
And so that’s what I have been doing lo these many nights. When the elephantine organs come out, so to does Mr Red Dot, and he dances gaily about the walls for the 30-40 seconds it takes for the blinds go down.
Who ever would have thought that a humble hand-held laser pointer could be a weapon of ass disruption?