Congratulations to New Zealand, who have become the 13th country to legalise gay marriage.

This presents a real problem for me though. I was planning to go on holiday there one day, but I am already in a straight marriage. According to my understanding of the issue, if I go to a country where gay marriage is accepted then my own marriage will get ruined somehow.

Fortunately, there are some other options. The Cook Islands is self-governing – in “free association” with NZ – but has their own Queen’s Representative. I could holiday there and only get into a mild tiff with the wife.

Or I could try Niue. That is also in “free association” with New Zealand but is a little closer, for example they share a Governor-General. The old lady and I might have a slightly bigger argument there.

I could take a risk and visit Tokelau, which is less independent than Cook Islands and Niue. Strong arguments and a night or two on the couch are likely to ensue.

Or if I’m feeling really adventurous, I could have a crack at the Ross Dependency. It is constitutionally a part of New Zealand, so we would have some serious, marriage-damaging fights there. I’m talking about big issues, for example me having an affair. I don’t know what would be worse for her: the trauma of her whole world-view being shattered by my callous breach of her trust and the permanent emotional damage that it would do, or the shock of catching me screwing a penguin (because who is there to have an affair with in Antarctica?).